6th november 2005, sunday. the 10th day into my revision. supposedly..... but well, it never really came through. just couldn't get myself moving into the correct pace. i did manage to study some though. but thats because i've got a test to take. another final test on tuesday. its the latest test i've taken so far. its the week before our final exam!! what is the lecturer doing? but anyway if not for the test i think i couldn;t have managed to even get somethings done. its always on and off for me.

last night i had those thoughts again. about deaths, after deaths. mainly is abt my death. i think i'm really living very unhealthy, unfruitful, unpurposeful, not me. the whole thought of it made me so demoralised that i seriously think that i might just die that moment. what would happen if that really happened to me? heart attack in midst of my sleep, or lightning, or just get suffocated by the pillow. wat have i done and not done? well. there are really really really many things left undone. willl i be remembered? are there things worth remembering me by? there are so many questions.. but eventually i just fell asleep like that.

thanks to this friend whom made me realise that no matter wat happened, i lived a life well loved and cared for by many. i am the lucky one here, i shouldn't have such negative thoughts. but do i deserve such kindness? have i done anything for them in return? i know not. i think i have caused some people worries, misery, some people laughter, memories. is that enough?

i shouldn;t be thinking such stuff when exams just round the corner. its just one of those nights again. it happens now and then which i think many people do too. don't you? just one of those dark moments which come and goes off after a goodnight's sleep. which just as well. life goes on. and i still have to pursue whatever i've left undone if i do go about doing it.